


nādər

by bye_bye_firefly



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Enemies to Friends, Everyone Has Issues, Gaz Being Gaz (Invader Zim), Help, I Tried, I'm Bad At Tagging, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn-ish, Tags May Change, The Almighty Tallest Being Assholes (Invader Zim), Threats, but you know HIM not competent very stupid unable in every sense of the word, past this point tags have MAJOR SPOILERS, zim made a virus and stuff! so thats cool
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:20:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24712981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bye_bye_firefly/pseuds/bye_bye_firefly
Summary: After creating a deadly disease, Zim is sure that his race to conquer Earth before the Tallest arrives will come to a brilliant end. The only step left in his plan is to test this on a human, and who better than Dib?However, after learning of this plan, Dib makes his own plan- a plan so much more brilliant than Zim's that he's sure the Tallest won't even bother to come for Earth in the first place because they'll be so terrified of him and his strength! He's so sure of himself, he spends time with Zim while he's a prisoner in his best plan yet.And that wasn't even the worst part of the plan.
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

The lights slowly clicked on. Machines hummed and small bubbles popped inside tubes filled with thick, human liquid. Screaming echoed around the room as the long elevator shaft's lights sensed movement on each level, each light turning out faster than the last, until finally, a loud thunk, almost like the sound of a bird hitting a window, sounded against the floor of the elevator. The doors opened dramatically, fog floating outside and to the floor. Once cleared, there was but a small, green body laying in the opening of the doors.

"GIR," the weak voice inquired, "didn't I tell you to fix the elevator?"

GIR, in his shrill, shrieking voice, answered, "Uh-huh!"

"Then why didn't you...?"

"I forgot; there was a sale at the taco place you love..."

 _"You_ love that taco place."

"I do..."

No matter; there were more important things to attend to! Zim, the small, green body that was just hilariously thrown from the top of his elevator shaft down to his secret labs, forced his legs to carry his _still very much strong and not hurt or broken in any way, shape, or form_ body to a small hatch that went even deeper into his lab. "GIR, go upstairs and make sure no one comes into the base."

"Gotcha!" He saluted and quickly ran to the elevator, rocketing directly up, causing crashes and bangs to echo into the lab, much to Zim's displeasure.

Whatever. That didn't matter. What _did_ matter was the fact that the room underneath the mysterious hatch was filled to the brim with his evil plan. Yes, one singular plan. It took a lot of prep work, stalling, and forcing the computer to research quite a bit for him, but he was sure it was going to be a success. Yes, this was the key! This was how he was going to finally take over _Urth_ and show the Almighty Tallest what he was about! 

There was nothing better than the suffering of the planet's inhabitants during the conquering of the planet! The Tallest believed that it made the planet's resources much better.

What he was working on was absolutely guaranteed to work in his favour; in his future, victory was absolutely certain. Not even the Dib could manage to ruin this plan. He finally made his way down the staircase that led to the room underneath the hatch, stepping to the small work table at the far end of the room adjacent to the stairs. On top of it sat Irken technology made for the study of microorganisms. _Oh, yeah._ He was making a disease to wipe out the entire human race! He was so smart! He applauded himself in his head every time he looked at this room.

He continued his work, injecting certain renditions of his disease into monkeys in separated cages. That was when he noticed it: one monkey, laying in its cage, foaming at the mouth. If he was completely honest, watching these monkeys suffer was uncomfortable, but he wasn't about to stop his work because a few animals were suffering under his hand. This was the _goal._ He took his notes, went on his way, and made further copies of the number.

The only thing left was to inject Dib, take him into captivity, and watch him rot like the little worm baby he was. He couldn't help but start laughing maniacally at just the thought. 

_"Gaaaz!"_ Dib came running down the hall into Gaz's room, his hands clutching onto his laptop as he flew through the hall, shrieking the whole time. "Gaz! Gaz, you're not gonna believe this!"

Without looking up from her game, she asked, "Are you sure about that?"

"I put a bug on Zim when he wasn't looking and I used my newest gadget from my magazine, that tiny spider camera I showed you on Saturday? Anyway, I put everything on him when he wasn't even aware of me, and look at all this footage!" He shoved the laptop in her face, ignoring her growls and attempts to get away. "Look at all these monkeys! And it's clearly a disease!"

"Dib, I'm trying to play my game!"

"I mean, it was really easy; I've noticed that when he labels things, he labels them really obvious things, like the things that they actually are."

"Dib!"

"But I watched all of this and on one of his sheets, he wrote his plan step by step, and the step after he figures out which disease works is injecting it into me! _And he just figured out which disease works!"_

"Dib, I'm going to skin you alive!"

That was when the game over sound ringed through the air. Gaz's eyes went wide in shock, then her pupils got smaller, hatred and violence piercing through. Dib caught her glance and immediately backed away, shutting the laptop. "N-No harm done! All is well, all is swell! We don't have to-"

_"Three."_

He sprinted out of her room and back into his own, shutting the door behind him and locking it. For good measure, he placed a chair under the doorknob. He figured that was enough to hold her off for a few minutes.

In the meantime, he could figure out a way to best Zim. First things first: how was he going to evade him? Well, Zim had a habit of doing things while he was asleep or doing something else entirely. If he was going to follow that pattern over and over again, and he knew that Zim liked to follow patterns because he knew each and every one of them, then Dib had to stay awake. Okay, the first thing to do was to go to the store and get coffee.

Zim wasn't very smart, but he knew the difference between an empty bed and a bed with Dib in it. He had to make some kind of dummy made of pillows or something, like what he saw in movies! That would work pretty well if he had something fluffy for his hair and some worn out, not fluffy pillows. He was sure he could manage that much, especially with the amount of time he had. It wasn't like the Irken he was up against was smart enough to tell a dummy from a person. Another point to the scoreboard for Dib!

Okay, Zim would come in, there would be a dummy in the bed, and when he stuck the dummy, Dib would pop out from under the bed and tie him up! He could probably do well with a weapon to be able to cut off all his spider legs that would come out of his PAK, maybe some duct tape to place over the openings. He knew he had cuffs in the garage, zip ties in the closet downstairs, and he definitely had old shirts around to stuff in Zim's mouth so he wouldn't make a lot of noise. If GIR was there, he could probably just manage to win him over if he had food on him.

Grocery list: espresso and Hot Pockets. Probably a good ten bucks, right? He could take fifteen, just in case.

The sound of wood cracking under the pressure of Gaz's hands brought him out of his thoughts, making him spin on his heel and start trembling. He ran to his closet, quickly grabbed his money out of a shoebox, and climbed out the window to escape Gaz's wrath.

Not too long after that, she managed to break through the door with her sheer strength and looked around the room. "Dib..." She sniffed the air, trying to smell him out like a bloodhound, growling to herself. "You can run all you want, Dib, but you only have one place to come back to." She walked her way back to her room to return to her game, awaiting Dib's return home.

"GIR!"

GIR looked down from the top of the elevator shaft, a popsicle stick poking out of the side of his mouth. _"Yeeees?"_

"Fix the elevator! I can't come back up there!"

"Okee-dokee!" He hopped down the shaft and started his work on the elevator, pretty much beating the platform with a hammer over and over until it decided to work again. Zim did not seem to notice, or if he did, he didn't care.

"Tonight, I need you to keep guard of the base; let _no one_ inside! Dib cannot come inside; the Dib sibling cannot come inside; puppies cannot come inside!"

"But I like puppies..."

"I know you do."

"Then why can't I bring the puppies in?"

"Do not question me!" The elevator suddenly sprung to life, flying to the top floor with GIR still on it. His 'wee's fell upon deaf ears as Zim explained, "No one can come inside while I'm gone because there are very _dangerous_ things in this lab. I can't imagine what would happen if a human were to make their way down here..." He hummed and crossed his arms. "Well, maybe I do want humans down here..." He quickly shook his head, turning away from the elevator. "No! I don't want anyone in here besides I, _Zim!_ I need to test what's down here in case it does something stupid, like make humans stronger- not that I couldn't take them if that's what it did."

The elevator crashed into the floor, GIR hopping up and hitting a button on the side. Working just as well as before, it floated up to the top smoothly. 

"I am going to the Dib's house because if this goes as planned, and it _absolutely will_ go as planned, then I will be rid of that _filthy_ pink baby and I can finally conquer this ball of dookie!" Once again, he couldn't help himself and began to laugh as crazily as possible. The evil levels in the room increased as the laughter went on. As GIR floated back down to the same level as him, his own laughter became louder and louder until they were both finally in the same room, laughing their heads off.

It was a little bit before they finally stopped and Zim coughed, the room going silent. "Anyway, I just need you to stay here and keep guard."

GIR saluted, his eyes going red. "Yessir!"

Zim started to get on the elevator but quickly remembered that he had to call the Tallest to let them know that it wasn't going to be long before _Urth_ was ripe for the picking. Instantly spinning on his heel, he headed towards the giant screen in the middle of his lab. "Computer!"

"No."

"Call the Tallest!"

_"Uggghhh..."_

Zim spun in his chair, curling up before quickly uncurling himself. No, he couldn't look so small! Sit up straight, stare into the camera with conviction, and place your hands in your lap- no, was that a sign of weakness? He was _not_ weak! He placed his arms on the armrests, his fingers locking around the pieces of cushion. Not too firm! He wasn't scared and he wasn't more secure that way; he was a fearless invader. Just when he thought he was placed in the chair perfectly, the Tallest picked up the call.

"My Tallest!"

"Hello... _Zim..."_ Maybe this was a bad time. The Tallest Red seemed...fatigued. Zim wondered for a moment if the services drones were treating them well. Perhaps they had gone off path and were still upset because of it.

"My newest plan has to do with what I told you I ordered last week. I had made a plan so _wicked_ and _evil_ that it is guaranteed to work! Today is testing day and I'm more than excited to perform the tests that I have planned on my _ARCHNEMESIS,_ the _Dib thing..."_ He chuckled to himself, wringing his hands together even while the two Tallest weren't paying any attention to him. "I have been putting in much effort since then and I believe that this is going to be the one that works! Humans are so _weak_ that even small germs will kill them easily, and based on my research-"

"Listen, Zim, that's cool and all," Purple said, "but is there anything new that you haven't told us?"

"I-I haven't said any of this!" He looked like a fool! Oh, deep inside his squeedlyspooch, he knew that he had said all this before! His Tallest must have thought he was an idiot! "I would also like to hammer in that humans are _weak_ little creatures, of no use to the Irken Empire, and that I will soon wipe them out with a deadly disease! Based on the area I am situated in, the spread from landmass to filthy landmass should be easy!" Getting louder meant that he was scrambling their brains more, meaning that they would forget previous events! Genius manoeuvres!

"Zim, we already have the organic sweep process. And I _like_ that process!" Red took a sip of soda before asking, "How are we going to get out of this one?" 

Zim tilted his head and said, "There will be nothing to get out of. _Zim will win!"_

"I wasn't asking you."

He was... _a fool..._

Purple hummed and shrugged. "We could...Oh!" He turned to a service drone in the background and pointed to him. "You! Spill some soda on the thing!"

"B-But, my Tallest, w-wouldn't you-"

"Do it!"

"B-But, my job-"

Red shook his head and said, "We'll actually _promote_ you. Instead of five monies every two years, you'll get _six."_

Purple's eyes widened as he nodded. "Six is a good number!"

The service drone swallowed and quickly threw the plate of soda onto the technology that handled the calls, trembling in fear the entire time. The call went to static on Zim's end, leaving him to slump in his chair. Well, that didn't matter! They were probably just having a bad day or something! Yes, that was it. There was no hatred on their end at all. Well, it was almost time for him to enact his evil plan, anyway, so the Tallest hanging up was perfectly timed! He knew they had faith in him.

He grabbed a syringe off a nearby table and ducked into the room below the lifted hatch, moving quickly as he packed up the right batch, sucking it into the syringe. No need to worry about whether or not it was sterilized; what even was sterilization? He carefully brought out the container stored in his PAK, placing the syringe inside before going back the way he came.

The only thing left was to inject the disease into Dib and watch how the symptoms progressed. This was totally going to work! It wasn't like the Dib-thing even knew about this plan, right? No way! He was so much smarter than that _Dib_ and definitely much cooler and better in every single way. The Dib was done for _sure._

Yeah, for sure!


	2. Chapter 2

The clock ticked on as Dib laid under his bed. It turned out that it was much harder to drink a bottle of coffee while laying down; it had to be two in the morning at this point and he was a little tired, but not _exhausted._ The coffee was a good choice, but it was really hard to drink it without either gulping loudly or choking on the liquid entirely. For now, this was fine. He could wait longer.

There was a slight change in plans; his father was the one who questioned him about his need for zip ties and when he told him that he was going to use them on Zim, he was not having it. He threatened to ground him, but in the most polite and professional way possible! So, instead of taking the zip ties, he snuck downstairs at ten o'clock and got a frying pan. If he couldn't tie him up right then and there, he could smack him over the head and knock him out. _Then_ he could tie and gag him! He still had duct tape for the PAK, but that was pretty much it.

This was the most mentally stable way of handling the situation. Also, he got hungry at twelve and ended up eating the one Hot Pocket he made for GIR, so if GIR came, he had to hope that he could tell him to go away and that he would listen.

The window suddenly creaked open, making his eyes widen as he gripped onto the frying pan. Slowly, he poked his head out from under the foot of the bed, watching Zim's PAK balance him above the dummy as he reached forward with a syringe in hand. Dib slowly made his way out from underneath, right behind Zim. He raised his arms above his head, took a deep breath, and threw himself at Zim, successfully knocking him in the back of the head.

Zim was obviously incapacitated, but the legs were still moving. They tried to make their escape through his window, but he quickly grabbed one and gathered them up to the best of his ability, smacking them until one leg got crushed under the pan, causing the entire PAK to quickly shut itself away for repairs. 

Dib had done it, and it wasn't even that hard! He quickly ran to his dresser and brought out an old shirt, ripping off a chunk of it and balling the rest up, shoving it into Zim's mouth. Next step was duct tape over the openings of the PAK, and _lots_ of it. He then quickly made his way to the downstairs closet, taking four zip ties out of the container. He sprinted back up the stairs, not caring if anyone heard him or was about to yell at him, and quickly tied Zim's wrists and ankles together. 

He dragged him to the wall and propped him up against that, watching the Irken invader breathe slowly. He did it. He really did it! He _caught_ Zim! He started hopping in place out of excitement, only stopping when Gaz yelled at him from down the hall. Carefully closing the window, he watched Zim for a little bit, taking in his victory. He found the syringe on his bed, perfectly fine. He had, unfortunately, injected the entire thing into the dummy, so there was nothing to threaten him with.

He finished the rest of his coffee, threw the syringe and empty bottle into his small trash bin beside his desk, and bent down in front of Zim.

"Man...I won, huh?" There was a moment of silence that hung in the air, making him smile. "You're not denying it!"

It didn't take long for Zim to wake up, but when he did, he was surrounded by lights and objects.

The smell in the room was musty and it didn't help that the lights were heating the area. What time was it? Where was he? He started struggling but got nowhere with that, unable to get his legs to deploy from his PAK. The metal shrieked against the holdings, making him huff in defeat. There was nothing left to do but wait for something to happen. It wasn't like he could scream; the gag in his mouth was stopping him from doing that.

Clearly, his plan didn't work, but that didn't matter.

Then, the door opposite to him opened and in stepped Dib. They both locked eyes for a moment before Dib looked either way and moved closer. "I didn't think you'd wake up so soon..."

Zim couldn't help but glare at him. There were so many things he wanted to say to him. So many insults he could launch his way. So many ways he could hurt him if he hadn't closed his PAK with his filthy hands. 

"Don't look at me like that. You're the one who tried to kill me!"

He was not wrong, but he still narrowed his eyes filled with hatred.

Dib sighed and walked over. "Here's how this is going to work. I'm going to show you to the world and since you're so calm right now, how about I go right ahead and start taking your proportions?"

Oh, he hated him so much right now. His PAK shrieked, trying to open itself up already.

"I'll take that as a yes. Whatever, it doesn't matter." He walked to the crowd of lights and turned on the camera, carefully backing away and checking that the shot was perfectly framed. Sat in the middle of the picture, Zim glared into the camera lens. He was so deep into his glare that he managed to hide most of his eyes, which was disappointing for Dib. He figured his eyes were one of the most alien pieces of him. "My name is Dib Membrane," he greeted the camera, "and I am here to prove to the world to the human race that aliens are real!"

He said it with such conviction even though he was so _stupid._ Zim growled to himself and watched as Dib pranced around, vowing to himself to rip him apart once he had the chance.

"This is an alien part of the Irken species, found on planet Irk."

That was slightly wrong; they could be found across the universe because they were such great invaders, so not _just_ on planet Irk but across the universe. He wasn't one to correct him, though. The more inaccurate he was, the less people would believe him.

"He calls himself _Zim._ He was sent here by his alien leaders to take over our planet, Earth. He is an invader! Although he has tried numerous times to take over the planet, he has failed repeatedly because of _me."_

Wow, so he was just going to make himself the hero of the story? Zim hoped he knew that his plans _never_ failed. Not even this one failed. He groaned through his gag, making Dib jump in surprise.

"What was that for?" Zim rolled his eyes and shook his head, going back to watching him do whatever stupidity he was doing. "I think we should make one thing clear here, Zim. Once I'm done documenting all I can get out of you, I will put you on a table and record your autopsy, proving once and for all that aliens _are_ real!"

Zim's eyes widened at that. Autopsy? He was going to do an autopsy on him? The thought of being cut open, his organs being taken out while he was strapped down, watching his squeedlyspooch be taken out and put onto a scale for weighing...

"You're scared now, huh?" He smiled and looked towards the camera with the same look. He hated humans, but he hated the thought of going through an autopsy more. Was he telling him that he would perform an autopsy on him earlier if he wasn't cooperating or was he just telling him to let him know what would happen later? He didn't know. "I guess even things like you are scared of something."

Zim didn't look at him. There was no need to show that he had any weaknesses. 

"Either way, it doesn't matter. It's what's going to happen to you. Even if you do everything I say, this will all end in an autopsy." He gently took the gag out of his mouth and bent down to his level. "So, you're gonna help me learn about your people, alright? You don't have a choice here. It's either help me or we do the autopsy now."

Zim looked from the camera to him, staring at him for a moment. If he did this right, he could find a plan to get out of here while helping Dib. Take the camera, leave the place, go back to trying to conquer Urth, and that was it. He probably had a lot of time to figure this out, considering the circumstances. Dib had to attend his classes, meaning he would be gone for a long time, enough time for Zim to find a way out.

Dib was going to spend tons and tons of time with him trying to get him to talk about Irken society, so if he stalled, lied, and waited, he would find his way out. His plan was foolproof.

"Fine. I'll tell you anything you want to know."

Dib smiled, standing back up. "Yes!" He hopped up and down a few times before turning back to Zim and saying, "Then I'll bring a chair in here and I'll ask you some basic questions." He ran out of the room and left Zim with the camera and the lights.

This was going to be a long month.

**Author's Note:**

> did you like it? i liked it i enjoyed writing it  
> i had no idea what to title this and i spent all my time on that before i spent any time thinking about writing the chapter  
> at first this chapter was going to be like. 3.5k long and then i removed the bit where Ze Plan ensues so now its only like. 2.4k
> 
> otherwise, now i can ramble in the notes about nothing and everything all at the same time! ive loved invader zim for years; the first character study i ever did was on dib because i loved him so much at the ripe young age of 7 (it was basically "he's cool and i love him even though im Gay" in a notebook) so i think this fic is LONG OVERDUE!


End file.
